42

It is quite something to have you all gathered here today. What an absolute joy to celebrate my birthday in such a big, bright and beautiful way on the actual day of my birth… And with so many special people I love from my life surrounding me. Thank you so much for being here. Wow.

I’m sure most of you have met my family already today… It is such a blessing to have my mom, dad, sister, brother in law and nephew all here. The more years we spend living apart from each other, the more special it feels to share these moments–to create opportunities to really share our lives with each other in as many ways as possible. I’m so grateful that they get to meet all of you–my Cape Town family–today, and to join these parts of my life together. 

At this stage, I have called Cape Town home for the better part of my adult life. But home is such a tough thing to really pin down or understand. My heart has certainly made a home here in Cape Town. All of you here today are testament to that. What a privilege it is to walk through this life with all of you by my side.

But home is also across the Atlantic, and always will be. In the hills of New Jersey and the streets of New York City. Along the coastline of Maine and the winding roads of Upstate New York. My heart stretches across the ocean, aching to be in two places at the same time. 

And so home, I think I have learned, is right here–with all of you, and inside my own heart. Inside the life each of us creates for ourselves. The relationships we cultivate with each other, of course, and perhaps most of all the relationship we cultivate with ourselves, and with whatever God we believe in, that connects us not only to that most holy sacred part of ourselves, but also to each other, and to the whole wild heartbreakingly beautiful world. 

Admittedly, 42 is a pretty random birthday. But I knew months ago that I wanted to have you all here. To eat and sing and dance and be in community with each other. I have hesitated at times, wondering if it was silly to make such a big deal out of such a random number. But gosh. How silly is that? It is such a privilege to grow older in a world where so many people are not afforded that luxury. And to do so with all of you by my side? My cup runneth over. And this year has been abundant in so many ways. 

I said the other evening that this year’s lessons have been gifts–and that while I would have preferred some of them to have arrived in different wrapping, I would not trade them for the world. This year–the year of the snake–has asked me to shed so many layers. Layers of arrogance, control, judgment, and resentment I didn’t even know I had. Layers of fear and self-doubt and all the things that have kept me small, walled-off from the kind of closeness with myself, with my people, and with God I was so yearning for. 

This year has asked me to hold so many things at the same time: grief and love, compassion and clarity, justice and humility. To allow my heart to be cracked open so that I could learn how to live in that in-between space–the space that is messy and raw. To feel it all in all the bigness and messy-ness–to allow myself to be human and imperfect and still, still, find a way to show up in the world with some grace. With a touch of humour. And with as much love as I can muster.

This year asked me to really believe in the power of love. Love as a radical act. An act of power and transformation. An act of protest against a world that wants to divide and conquer us–wants so badly for us to forget who we are. To forget that we are one, made of love and from love, and that it is back to love that we will all return. I have grown curious about love, asking myself over and over again what it would look like to show up with love here. Love is courageous. It is true, and expansive, and makes my heart ache right from its very center. It is brave, because it risks heartbreak over and over again. But it is also what keeps us alive. And so it is the best possible way, I reckon, to keep going. 

The greatest gift this year has given me is a profound commitment to love at all costs. To prioritise love, and to manifest that life force in whatever ways God has intended me to no matter what. Even when I don’t want to. Even when it feels terrifying or impossible. And it has shown me that a commitment to that brings the greatest rewards. I cannot remember the last time I felt as “myself” as I do today. What a profound gift to feel at home in my own skin, knowing full well that I have all the love, support, and guidance I need right here, in all of you, and in a God that I feel certain loves me without question, and that I can call on that support any time I need. 

And so, to close… I am really so honoured to have you all gathered here today. My life is rich with all that I could have ever asked for thanks to you. And for that, I want to say a huge, sincere thank you. It is such an honour and a privilege to walk through life surrounded and held by all of you. To pray with you, cry with you, hold hands and sing with you; to share life’s joys and sorrows with you, to walk down aisles, birth babies, get divorced, unravel and come apart, and then find ourselves again–here, under these magnificent trees, under this big blue sky–and to know that this is what it is all about. This spiral that we are all walking along, shoulder to shoulder, sometimes trudging, sometimes dancing, as we make our way home.  

Here’s to 42. <3